I cook fatty food. I know it. I once told my room-mates that I had unknowingly put them on my new diet: The Exercise or Get Fat Diet. This was not really a joke, although it was meant to be funny.

This meal isn’t exactly “Healthy”, but it’s not quite as bad as many things I make on a regular basis.

I have never used a recipe for this chicken. I do it by sight and smell and I almost never actually use the same ingredients, but here is a general sketch of how I am doing this tonight:

For the chicken:

8 chicken leg quarters. I use 100% natural fresh quarters. If you have some sort of phobia or extra money that you would rather not spend on alcohol go ahead and use organic.

1-2 lemons. You can use meyer, but I usually don’t.

Bay leaves

Dried or Fresh Rosemary

Dried or Fresh Thyme

Garlic powder

Fresh Garlic

Salt (Kosher at least, grey or pink if you want. Fuck table salt.)

Black Pepper, cracked

Freezer strength zip bags
Optional:

Oregano

Dried Basil

Beer

Wine

Orange

Worcestershire Sauce

To prepare:

First of all you need to get the chicken ahead of time. I’d buy it the day before and let it chill in the fridge. When you start preparation pull it out and let it sit on the counter and come up a bit in temperature.

Its time to make a brine. I don’t exactly know how much water I use but I probably use around 2-3 cups. I put this in a heavy pot/dutch oven and start it on high heat with an intent to come near a boil. I then add my salt (LOTS) herbs (all of them that you want) and spices (also the ones you want). How much? I dunno. I used 4-5 bay leaves, several shakes of everything else and a few dried sprigs of rosemary/thyme. I added a bit of orange zest as well for good measure. Once it’s starting to almost boil cut the heat and let it sit. I add ice at this point to bring it to at least room temperature. Then I add some wine. About a cup. Or some beer (whatever you want, I use IPA because that’s what I usually have around) also about a cup.
At this point my brine is done. I need to set up a place for the brine to marinade the chicken legs. I use Zip bags. I split mine up into 2 gallon size bags, 4 leg quarters per bag. Then I pour the brine over the chicken so everything is covered. Now it’s time to let it sit. In the fridge or on the counter, I don’t care. I prefer on the counter because… well, I’m not afraid of room temperature chicken because I’m GOING TO COOK IT! So I wait about 2-3 hours and let it sit. If you are in a rush, just an hour and a half would do, but longer is better… but not too long or the chicken will be rubbery no matter how moist it is. Also, it will be too salty.

In the mean time, lets cut some shit up:

Fruit:Lemons.

Slice them up in fairly thin slices. I figure 2 slices per leg quarter, so 16 slices in total for 8 legs.

Veggies: Zucchini Squash. Yellow Squash and Red Onion.

I’m steaming these so it’s just a rough chop. I cut the squash into quarters lengthwise and then into 1 inch chunks. The onion I chop in half and then slice into to ¼-½ inch thick slices. Set this stuff aside. Set up a pot with a little water in the bottom and a steamer insert or a fold out steamer thingy in the bottom.

Potatoes:

You will need: Butter, Potatoes (red in this case), Cream (heavy for me, half & half for you pussies), Salt (kosher or better).

I chop my potatoes depending on the size. Small red in half, Medium red in quarters. Large red? I rarely see them and I try not to use them. I prefer medium reds myself because I find them to be less sweet than the small reds.

Wash out your dutch oven or pot and get it ready for boiling water. Fill it up, add a good bunch of salt (alton brown says “it should taste like seawater” and I agree with this).

Obviously this isn’t going to take 2-3 hours, but having all this done ahead of time is not a terrible idea. If you do this right away set it all aside, loosely cover it and put it in the fridge.

So now waste time. Check out a thread about asses or tits or maybe the fap fap schlick schlick thread. Wash your hands before you start cooking again. 15-20 minutes you want to cook crank the oven up to 425 F and crank your heat on 1 of your 2 pots (1 for steaming, 1 for boiling).

Open up your chicken bags, dump the brine, and take out the legs. Put them in a large pyrex or heavy duty ceramic roasting pan (or 2), skin up. Now pull up the skin being careful not to remove it or detach it too much. Slide the lemon slices under the skin and if you feel like it you can slide thin slivers of garlic under there too. Do this to all the leg quarters. Use more garlic and lemon if you want, less if you want. If you have extra chunks of veggies in the fridge use them to separate the chicken from the bottom of the pan. If not you should be fine, the chicken will render it’s fat and keep it from sticking too much. This is your chicken.

The oven is hot? Put the chicken in and let it roast until the top starts to turn golden brown. When that happens throw on the high broiler and let it crisp up that skin until it is a deep golden brown, but not burnt. This is crispy skin. This is delicious.

Now while all this is going on you should have plenty of time to make the mashed potatoes. Throw the potatoes in the pot. Boil them until they are fork tender. If you over boil them they will be gummy and can be used as paste. Don’t do that unless you like paste

Once the potatoes are fork tender, take them out and mash them. I use a standard little hand masher with the wire squiggle mashing thing. You can use a mixer if you want, but I want them a little lumpy and chunky. Then I add butter, cream and salt. How much? Enough. How do you know when it’s enough? When its creamy enough, buttery enough and salty enough that it is DELICIOUS. Really, this is how I measure it. Add in little bits and mash until you get it the way you want it. Add garlic if you want. I add fresh garlic grated with a microplane grater. You can use a garlic press. You can use roasted garlic and just mash it in. You can add truffles, you can add truffle oil. You can add chives, you can add bacon. YOU CAN ADD ANYTHING. Its fucking mashed potatoes. Your Mashed Potatoes.

While the potatoes are boiling you might want to get the steamer water steaming. It wont take long because there isn’t much water. Once it is steaming think about your squash, How long will it take? About 8 minutes at most. So add the squash about 8 minutes before you want to serve. Steam it. Test it, make sure it’s not too mushy so check it a few times (4 minutes, 6 minutes, 8 minutes) if you aren’t sure Pull it out of the steamer when it is still slightly firm, but very tender. Salt and pepper it. Serve.

Plate everything. If you did it all right then it all came out within about 4-5 minutes of each other and plating was easy. If you didn’t do it exactly right.. then you have several things sitting around waiting. This is not a problem. Just keep it all warm. If you have a second oven set it to warm. If you don’t… just keep the lids on everything and reheat if you absolutely need to.

Hopefully this works for you. I tried to make it so easy your retarded little brother could do it.