I cook fatty food. I know it. I once told my room-mates that I had unknowingly put them on my new diet: The Exercise or Get Fat Diet. This was not really a joke, although it was meant to be funny.

This meal isn’t exactly “Healthy”, but it’s not quite as bad as many things I make on a regular basis.

I have never used a recipe for this chicken. I do it by sight and smell and I almost never actually use the same ingredients, but here is a general sketch of how I am doing this tonight:

For the chicken:

8 chicken leg quarters. I use 100% natural fresh quarters. If you have some sort of phobia or extra money that you would rather not spend on alcohol go ahead and use organic.

1-2 lemons. You can use meyer, but I usually don’t.

Bay leaves

Dried or Fresh Rosemary

Dried or Fresh Thyme

Garlic powder

Fresh Garlic

Salt (Kosher at least, grey or pink if you want. Fuck table salt.)

Black Pepper, cracked

Freezer strength zip bags
Optional:

Oregano

Dried Basil

Beer

Wine

Orange

Worcestershire Sauce

To prepare:

First of all you need to get the chicken ahead of time. I’d buy it the day before and let it chill in the fridge. When you start preparation pull it out and let it sit on the counter and come up a bit in temperature.

Its time to make a brine. I don’t exactly know how much water I use but I probably use around 2-3 cups. I put this in a heavy pot/dutch oven and start it on high heat with an intent to come near a boil. I then add my salt (LOTS) herbs (all of them that you want) and spices (also the ones you want). How much? I dunno. I used 4-5 bay leaves, several shakes of everything else and a few dried sprigs of rosemary/thyme. I added a bit of orange zest as well for good measure. Once it’s starting to almost boil cut the heat and let it sit. I add ice at this point to bring it to at least room temperature. Then I add some wine. About a cup. Or some beer (whatever you want, I use IPA because that’s what I usually have around) also about a cup.
At this point my brine is done. I need to set up a place for the brine to marinade the chicken legs. I use Zip bags. I split mine up into 2 gallon size bags, 4 leg quarters per bag. Then I pour the brine over the chicken so everything is covered. Now it’s time to let it sit. In the fridge or on the counter, I don’t care. I prefer on the counter because… well, I’m not afraid of room temperature chicken because I’m GOING TO COOK IT! So I wait about 2-3 hours and let it sit. If you are in a rush, just an hour and a half would do, but longer is better… but not too long or the chicken will be rubbery no matter how moist it is. Also, it will be too salty.

In the mean time, lets cut some shit up:

Fruit:Lemons.

Slice them up in fairly thin slices. I figure 2 slices per leg quarter, so 16 slices in total for 8 legs.

Veggies: Zucchini Squash. Yellow Squash and Red Onion.

I’m steaming these so it’s just a rough chop. I cut the squash into quarters lengthwise and then into 1 inch chunks. The onion I chop in half and then slice into to ¼-½ inch thick slices. Set this stuff aside. Set up a pot with a little water in the bottom and a steamer insert or a fold out steamer thingy in the bottom.

Potatoes:

You will need: Butter, Potatoes (red in this case), Cream (heavy for me, half & half for you pussies), Salt (kosher or better).

I chop my potatoes depending on the size. Small red in half, Medium red in quarters. Large red? I rarely see them and I try not to use them. I prefer medium reds myself because I find them to be less sweet than the small reds.

Wash out your dutch oven or pot and get it ready for boiling water. Fill it up, add a good bunch of salt (alton brown says “it should taste like seawater” and I agree with this).

Obviously this isn’t going to take 2-3 hours, but having all this done ahead of time is not a terrible idea. If you do this right away set it all aside, loosely cover it and put it in the fridge.

So now waste time. Check out a thread about asses or tits or maybe the fap fap schlick schlick thread. Wash your hands before you start cooking again. 15-20 minutes you want to cook crank the oven up to 425 F and crank your heat on 1 of your 2 pots (1 for steaming, 1 for boiling).

Open up your chicken bags, dump the brine, and take out the legs. Put them in a large pyrex or heavy duty ceramic roasting pan (or 2), skin up. Now pull up the skin being careful not to remove it or detach it too much. Slide the lemon slices under the skin and if you feel like it you can slide thin slivers of garlic under there too. Do this to all the leg quarters. Use more garlic and lemon if you want, less if you want. If you have extra chunks of veggies in the fridge use them to separate the chicken from the bottom of the pan. If not you should be fine, the chicken will render it’s fat and keep it from sticking too much. This is your chicken.

The oven is hot? Put the chicken in and let it roast until the top starts to turn golden brown. When that happens throw on the high broiler and let it crisp up that skin until it is a deep golden brown, but not burnt. This is crispy skin. This is delicious.

Now while all this is going on you should have plenty of time to make the mashed potatoes. Throw the potatoes in the pot. Boil them until they are fork tender. If you over boil them they will be gummy and can be used as paste. Don’t do that unless you like paste

Once the potatoes are fork tender, take them out and mash them. I use a standard little hand masher with the wire squiggle mashing thing. You can use a mixer if you want, but I want them a little lumpy and chunky. Then I add butter, cream and salt. How much? Enough. How do you know when it’s enough? When its creamy enough, buttery enough and salty enough that it is DELICIOUS. Really, this is how I measure it. Add in little bits and mash until you get it the way you want it. Add garlic if you want. I add fresh garlic grated with a microplane grater. You can use a garlic press. You can use roasted garlic and just mash it in. You can add truffles, you can add truffle oil. You can add chives, you can add bacon. YOU CAN ADD ANYTHING. Its fucking mashed potatoes. Your Mashed Potatoes.

While the potatoes are boiling you might want to get the steamer water steaming. It wont take long because there isn’t much water. Once it is steaming think about your squash, How long will it take? About 8 minutes at most. So add the squash about 8 minutes before you want to serve. Steam it. Test it, make sure it’s not too mushy so check it a few times (4 minutes, 6 minutes, 8 minutes) if you aren’t sure Pull it out of the steamer when it is still slightly firm, but very tender. Salt and pepper it. Serve.

Plate everything. If you did it all right then it all came out within about 4-5 minutes of each other and plating was easy. If you didn’t do it exactly right.. then you have several things sitting around waiting. This is not a problem. Just keep it all warm. If you have a second oven set it to warm. If you don’t… just keep the lids on everything and reheat if you absolutely need to.

Hopefully this works for you. I tried to make it so easy your retarded little brother could do it.

Ingredients:

Rice:
14oz can of coconut milk
1 1/2 cups basmati rice
1 1/4 c water (more at my altitude)
Juice of one lime
2 tsp salt
chopped cilantro

Kabobs:
1 Pineapple skinned and cored then chopped into 1.5 inch chunks.
1 green and 1 red bell pepper (add an orange and a yellow if you love colour)
2 large red onions chopped into 1.5 inch squares … you know… KABOB STYLE
Skewers (I made 16 of them so I used 16 skewers, I figure 3-4 per person)
Limes for garnish.
About 2lbs of pork tenderloin chopped into 1.5 inch cubes. I had ends and pieces left over from trimming for the tournedos of pork thing I made the other day and I had 1 long thin tenderloin left that was too thin to use for the tournedos. (Backread if you want to see that meal. I’ll post a recipe if you want it.)

Dipping sauce / Marinade:
Soy sauce. I use Eden Foods Shoyu because I think it’s great stuff.
Sriracha Sauce (Cock Sauce).
Red pepper flakes.
Ponzu sauce.
Oyster sauce.
Sesame Oil.
Honey.
Garlic.
Ginger.

Ok, I have no idea on measurements here. I added stuff I thought would be good and I kept tasting it. Here is a basic list of what I added. Obviously Shoyu is the base and then a little bit of sesame oil. A good squirt of Sriracha. Several shakes from the spout end of the pepper flakes. A bit of ponzu to taste, I like this instead of vinegar for “zing” in dipping sauces sometimes. A few small dollops of oyster sauce. A large drizzle of honey. Either garlic powder or freshly grated garlic. I use a microplane grater to grate garlic for sauces, its SO much faster and better than a garlic press (I don’t own one) or mincing by hand. Fresh ginger grated with the same microplane grater.

Now I made this batch of marinade/sauce and then I wanted to thin it out so it wouldn’t be too strong as a marinade. I used beer to thin it out and a bit of water. Why? Because I like beer and I think it makes a great marinade. What kind? Well, I was drinking Dales Pale Ale, but I would think that anything would work so long as it’s light in colour.

Reserve 1/4 of the sauce BEFORE you add the beer for a dipping/drizzling sauce.

I pulled the skewers and set them to soak in a pan of water for 2 hours so they won’t catch fire. Make sure you do this, it’s an easy step to forget.

I put the chopped pork in with the beer/marinade sauce and let it sit until it was time to make kabobs. (I dunno. Maybe 1.25 hours? I’d say don’t let it go longer than that because otherwise all you are going to have is sauce flavored pork cubes. I’d say 45 minutes to an hour is best.)

I chopped all the fruit/veggies. and set them aside.

Then I went and had sex. I made sure to wash my hands afterwords.

Now It’s been a while and I started the grill. I used natural hardwood charcoal and a chimney starter. It was about 25 degrees outside, so I got it lit and let it sit, watching the chimney out the back door until I could see the glowing coals inside. I went out and dumped the coals into the bottom of the Weber grill and poured another chimney worth on top of them. Opened the vents so it would light those up as well.

Start the rice here. Sarah made the rice, but it was just all the liquids and salt in the pan, boil, add rice, boil, simmer until done. Turn off burner and let sit until service.
Chop and add cilantro as a garnish. Squeeze extra lime over rice if you want. You can add the cilantro into the rice and fluff it in, but I had 2 requests for no cilantro, so I put it on top and I think it probably was just as good.

At this point I skewered up the kabobs. I try to put the pineapple next to the pork because… well, I like how it tastes together and I think the juice from the pineapple helps to flavor the pork. Skewer them up and put them in a pan or on a baking sheet.
I checked the grill to make sure it’s hot. It was, so I pulled the kabobs outside and put 1/2 of them on the grill. I would put all of them on but I couldn’t because I didn’t have the space.
While the kabobs were cooking I sliced up limes for garnish and I turned on the oven broiler to high and moved the rack down to the middle.
Once the kabobs were 3/4 done I pulled them to a new clean baking sheet and set them aside. Then I put the rest of the kabobs on the grill.
I cooked this set of kabobs until they were about 3/4 done and then pulled them. Basically you want to see charring on your pineapple/onions/peppers and you don’t want to over cook the pork.
I combine the kabobs on the baking sheet and put them in the oven. They will finish cooking while I’m plating everything, opening the wine and setting the table.

Now I put the rice on plates, add cilantro on top, put limes on the side for garnish, squeeze lime over the rice for fresh lime taste, put out the dipping sauce on the table and…. then I pull out the kabobs, put them on the plates and yell “FOOD, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Tags: coconut, kabobs, lime, pineapple, Pork, rice

Ok, so I’ve posted a bunch of pictures of food I’ve made recently and I haven’t put recipes up. Here is the first one.

I’ll start with one of the easiest ones: Earl Grey Smoked Duck with a Spring Vegetable Risotto. I based this off of two separate recipes that I knew and combined them into 1 meal I thought would go well together.  To do this effectively you will need to simultaneously preform both recipes. It’s not that hard as that both recipes are quite simple.

Here is what you’ll need:

For the Duck:

Duck breasts, skin on. (mine were a little over 1/3 lb per breast)

About 2oz Earl Grey tea, Loose.

1 bamboo steamer

1 pot/pan/wok that the steamer fits over

Foil.

Caster sugar (golden)

Star Anise

How to do it:

Set up your wok (or whatever) and make sure your steamer fits snugly into it with plenty of room for the smoking substances. Layer the bottom of the wok with foil and then build up a foil “ring” around that so that the steamer seals fairly well when sitting in the wok. Get several heaping spoonfuls of earl grey and put them in the bottom of the wok along with a couple teaspoons full of caster sugar. I added 3 star anise as well.

Set oven to 350 and preheat.

Take your duck breasts and score then skin and fat in a crosshatch pattern being careful not to cut into the actual meat. Season the meat with a little salt and pepper and put it in the steamer. Make sure you can put both breasts on the same level of the steamer if it has multiple levels, putting one lower than the other will result in one breast being done more than the other. Turn the heat up to medium high and wait until you start to see wisps of smoke. Once you see the smoke turn the heat down to medium and close up the steamer for about 10-15 minutes. I checked to make sure it was smoking nicely inside and adjusted the temp as needed to keep a steady but not heavy bit of smoke flowing.

Get an oven safe pan (cast iron is what I use) heated up over medium high heat.

Once you feel the smoke has permeated the duck sufficiently (10-15 minutes) then pull the duck out and move it to the oven safe pan, SKIN SIDE DOWN. You are now rendering the fat out of the breast and searing the skin on the duck. Once skin is seared and fat rendered, move to the oven and cook to desired temp. Most people prefer duck medium rare or medium. I cooked mine to medium because Sarah (and many people) are a little worried by rare poultry. Once done, let rest for a few minutes, slice and serve.

For the Risotto:

1 pound asparagus

2 medium leeks

4 cups low-sodium chicken broth

3 cups water

5 tablespoons unsalted butter

1/2 cup frozen peas

2 medium garlic cloves minced fine

1 1/2 cups Arborio rice

1 cup dry white wine

1 1/2 ounces grated Parmesan cheese

For the Gremolata:

2 teaspoons juice from 1 lemon

2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley

2 tablespoons minced fresh mint

1/2 teaspoon finely grated zest from 1 lemon

How to do it:

Start off by breaking down the vegetables for the risotto: Cut asparagus ends (the tough part) off and set aside, clean the leaks (cut lengthwise and wash thoroughly with cool water) and separate the white and light green parts from the dark green, setting aside the dark green with the asparagus ends. Pluck the leaves off the stems of both the mint and parsley, set the stems aside as well.

Cut asparagus into ½ inch pieces. I used VERY thin asparagus so I cut them a bit longer, more like 1 inch.

Slice the leeks very thinly crosswise. Set each aside separately.

Chop finely the mint and parsley and grate the lemon zest. Combine, set aside.

In a heavy bottomed Dutch Oven or pot put 4 cups of chicken broth and 3 cups water to boil. In the mean time chop the green leek leaves, asparagus ends, mint stems and parsley stems and add them to the pot with the broth/water. Bring to boil covered, then partially uncover and reduce to a simmer for about 20 minutes, I do a little longer due to altitude. Strain through a fine mesh strainer or chinoise (pressing out all liquid) and set liquid in a pot on low heat, covered. Discard the stuff left in the strainer.

Heat dutch oven back to medium high heat and add 1 tablespoon butter. Allow butter to melt and foam, when foam is mostly gone add asparagus and cook until barely tender (~5 minutes), then add peas. Cook together for until peas are barely thawed (~ 1 minute). Remove and set aside.

Add 3 more tablespoons butter to dutch oven and heat until foam subsides. Add leeks, ½ tsp salt and ½ tsp pepper and cook (stirring frequently) until softened. Add rice and cook, stirring frequently until the edges of the rice are translucent. Add wine, continuing to stir, until completely absorbed.

When wine is absorbed add 1 cup broth. Stir Every minute (or so) until fully absorbed. Add 2^nd cup broth and stir (ever 1-2 minutes) until absorbed. Add final cup of broth and stir until fully absorbed and the bottom of the pan is nearly dry. Add half cups of broth , simmering and stirring until the rice is fully cooked and the bottom of the pan is almost dry (about 2 more cups of broth). Check the rice to make sure it is done enough (Risotto should NOT be mushy in any way it should have a bit of “bite” to it like properly done “al dente” pasta.

Remove from heat. Stir in 1 tablespoon butter, parmesan and the lemon juice. Fold in peas and asparagus gently until distributed and top with gremolata and serve.

Tags: Duck, Risotto, smoked, Tea

Ridiculous name aside, if you want something that that will complete the bacon + sausage + spicy trifecta, these are the turds for you. Under normal circumstances, these are to be cooked low & slow on the smoker, which is fine if you’ve got one. However, I don’t. So I had to adjust. Here’s what you need.
Ingredients:

Thick-sliced bacon
Chorizo sausage
Large jalapeno peppers
Toothpicks

That’s it. It’s pretty much 1 piece of bacon per pepper, and then a couple tablespoons worth of chorizo to stuff in there. Eyeball it. Any leftovers on anything? Any of the above (aside from the toothpicks) works great in meatloaf. Easy-peasy.

First step is to deseed the jalapenos and take the pith out of it, which (to please the spice averse) will remove most of the spice from the peppers. Pack the inside of the pepper with chorizo, and wrap that sucker in bacon. Secure it with a toothpick. It should look a decent amount like this:

Now, in the interest of science, I tried a couple different things with these. For starters, I figured I’d just stick ‘em under the broiler and rotate them a few times so each side get’s an equal scorch. I gave it about 90 seconds per side, and made a couple passes per side to make sure the sausage would get fully cooked. They came out looking a lot like this:

I thought that was a little too scorched for my taste, so I thought I’d try another version that would emulate the slow-cooking of a smoker a little closer. I set the oven at about 250 degrees, and popped in a few more for about an hour and a half to see what would happen. What happened was this:

The bacon still had a little give to it, the pepper was nice and soft after having all the chorizo fat render into it, and the sausage was fully cooked. But I still missed that little hint of char. Back under the broiler they went! But just for a heartbeat – don’t want to overdo it, just sear it a little bit. That made them come out nice and hot, with all the tastes melded together just how I wanted ‘em.

Enjoy your turds. These will beat the bejesus out of those boring frozen chicken wings that you always see at Superbowl parties and such. It takes a lot more time, but live a little.